Friendsgiving Attendee Can’t Wait To Superspread Her Gratitude

As coronavirus cases overwhelm hospitals across the nation, tens of millions of Americans are finalizing their plans to come together for maskless indoor Thanksgiving celebrations. Health experts are urging restraint and pleading with people to stay home, as the risk of getting infected is at a record high.⁣
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“Friendsgiving is about to pop off!” exclaimed incredibly infectious and asymptomatic Happy Valley resident Alex Schmidt. “There’s no way any government official, scientist or doctor will get in the way of my God-given freedom to eat turkey and celebrate with my ride-or-dies.”
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In a statement Monday morning, OHSU Infectious Diseases Division Head Morgan Hakki asserted that “being indoors with people outside of your household puts people in danger. Infection numbers are out of control and healthcare workers are overwhelmed. Holiday or not, now is not the time to gather with anyone outside your immediate household. A huge portion of infections are spread by people who don’t show any symptoms. You have agency in this situation – make the choice that protects people from this deadly virus. Please. If you care about yourself, your community and your loved ones, stay the fuck home.”