Nation’s Bullies Denounce Reopening Of Schools Until It’s Safe To Give Nerds Swirlies

Many schools around the country have begun, and the ensuing COVID related chaos has been nothing short of predictable. Without a comprehensive national plan in place, the first day of school saw insufficient safety measures in place, leaving students and faculty exposed and at risk. This has angered people at every level, even bullies.⁣
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“Responsible bullies like myself have taken COVID-19 seriously,” said Liam Northwood, a fourth grader at Chapman Elementary School in Northwest Portland. “We’ve replaced spitballs with wadded up paper dipped in hand sanitizer, and we always demand lunch money over Venmo. We’re doing our part, now it’s up to administrators to do theirs.“⁣
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Fifth grader Vanessa Popkins complained that remote learning is ineffective and impersonal for bullies. “Spreading gossip in Zoom breakout rooms just doesn’t have the same effect. Neither does sending a mean note via encrypted PDF. I want to go back to school, but not until it’s safe.“⁣
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In a rare display of unity, bullies and nerds issued a joint statement threatening to boycott school until swirlies could once again be safely conducted. Star mathlete Alvin Atley was even seen picketing alongside the bullies. “For now, I just want everyone safe from the virus. Eventually the goal is to achieve nerd immunity.“⁣