Police Use LRAD To Disperse Crowd By Playing Imagine Dragons At Reasonable Volume

Protesters coalesced around the Justice Center in downtown Portland late Sunday evening, prepared for an all too familiar dance with police. As has become tradition, each night inevitably ends with law enforcement responding to demands for justice and accountability with batons and tear gas. Last night however, things took an even uglier turn.⁣
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“We were just peacefully protesting,” sputtered 24-year-old Quincy Smith as he poured a gallon of milk into his ears. “We weren’t even shaking the fence or throwing water bottles. Then suddenly we saw a cop car mounted with LRAD. Before we even had a chance to prepare, we heard this soft banshee-like voice crooning ‘woahhhhhh-oh’ over an indescribably boring guitar riff. Those pigs were playing Radioactive! LRAD was never meant to torture innocent people. Fuck this noise.“⁣
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Long Range Acoustic Devices, colloquially known as “sound cannons,” are a crowd control device marketed for use in “critical crowd communications.” PPD has controversially been using the technology at protests to disorient and disperse peaceful protesters, at decibel levels believed to potentially cause acute sound trauma. Tragically, last night one officer realized they also have an AUX cable.⁣
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“Honestly, I was just trying to give us a morale boost,” explained Officer Gary Loffler. “Normally we keep spirits high by brutalizing innocent people trying to express their first amendment rights, but we were tired after 17 days of excessive force and just wanted to relax. We all love Imagine Dragons, so I decided to plug my phone into the LRAD and play their iconic debut album Night Visions. We turned the volume way down so it wouldn’t hurt our eardrums. To my absolute disbelief, within seconds every single protester was shrieking and running away covering their ears. I thought it could be a sort of ‘Kumbaya’ moment for everyone, but this is frankly even better. Now we have a weapon of mass appeal at our disposal.“⁣
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As of press time, Portland Police were downloading the entire Twenty One Pilots discography in preparation for clashes with protesters tonight.⁣