Quarantined Couple Already Tried All Four Sex Positions

Oregon’s stay-at-home order is well underway, with many residents already days or even weeks into quarantine life. Couples living under the same roof are now spending more time together than ever before, and with that comes an unforeseen battle against monotony. When Netflix and Animal Crossing start to stale, the bedroom becomes an alluring destination for entertainment. “Getting it on is a fantastic way to escape reality for a few minutes,” remarked CDC director Robert C. Redfield. “It provides a much needed endorphin boost during these uncertain times.”⁣
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However, some Portland couples, like Sellwood’s Anna Debronsky and Josh Wallaby have already taken this risqué recommendation far as humanly possible. Within ten days of quarantine they had already tried all four sex positions.⁣⁣
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“It was very, very exciting at first to explore new ways that we could make love,” remarked Wallaby. “The excitement quickly turned bittersweet though, as we realized we’d run the sexual gamut. I always planned on saving the fourth and final position until years after we were married but now thanks to COVID-19, I guess there’s no new hanky-panky to look forward to.“⁣⁣
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Our senior sex columnist Sigfried Q. Beauregard III has potential good news on the horizon for couples like Debronsky and Wallaby. “The CDC has actually been developing a fifth position for quite some time now, and have accelerated the pace of research and development rapidly given the circumstances. Early clinical studies have shown signs of promise, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they make this new position publicly available in the coming weeks.“