Roseland Theater Completes Major Expansion Of Its Columns

Double Tee Concerts announced early Thursday morning that they have finally completed their planned expansion of the Roseland Theater’s main columns. For fans, these columns are true pillars of the historic downtown Portland venue. Until now however, merely dozens of concertgoers have been able to experience them up close.

Double Tee president David Leiken explained that “with this expansion, hundreds more fans will get the true Roseland experience of an obstructed view, to go along with classic aspects they know and love like shoddy acoustics and exorbitant ticket fees.”

Theater ghost Timothy Moreau added, “I haven’t been this exhilarated since the old owner choked me to death backstage for uncovering his counterfeit ticket scam!”

Leiken assured fans that the theater is just as much of a musty death trap as it was when the Ramones played ‘I Wanna Live’ there 24 years ago. “Speaking of wanting to live,” he added, “in addition to our fabled lack of egress options, we’re proud to note that the new columns are purely aesthetic and provide no increased structural integrity. In case of fire, you’re actually even more screwed than before.”